overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
