I think my fart just growled at me.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
