I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
