The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
