I think my fart just growled at me.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
