My hand turned me down
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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