Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
