There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
