your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
