She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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