WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
