i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Randomize
