I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
