On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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