it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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