i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
