Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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