I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
