All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
