Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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