We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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