I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
