He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
