im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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