She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you didnt know i had herpes?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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