Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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