You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
