You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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