Kiss
Puke
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
