I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Is this like a preordered booty call?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
