I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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