My brain says no but my pants say off.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
