so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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