I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
