My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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