be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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