Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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