My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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