We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
