guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
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just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
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Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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