Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
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i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
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I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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