The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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