the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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