I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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