atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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