I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
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My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
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You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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