Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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