I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
