I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
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she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
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It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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