You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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