youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
