i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
There are leaves in my underwear?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
