I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
