he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
