Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
