News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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