fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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