Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
